American Seishi
by Saki
Summary: Tasuki and espresso shots, the Suzaku seishi move into an apartment together...truly frightening. **Stay tuned for updates!**
1. Starbucks Suzaku

It was a quiet, rainy day on Parrot Drive, that little side street in downtown Montgomery.  Business at Starbucks was calmly drizzling by.  Customers curled up in the comfy chairs, nursing their steaming cups of coffee and talking in low whispers, which were punctuated by polite, cultured laughter.  It was a room full of prissies, who were about to be incredibly disturbed.

Heads jerked upwards at the sound of screeching car breaks.  A sheet of water was thrown up onto the window, making a loud PFFFFT noise as though it were blowing a raspberry at the startled souls within.  The water dripped slowly down, revealing a large Ford Excursion (aka Road Hog) parked askew, spanning three average-sized parking spaces.  Seven men and two girls piled out, their mouths moving silently in animated conversation.  Not willing to be in the same room as a bunch of crazy "teenagers", two businessmen hurriedly packed up their laptops and left.  The rest of the customers decided to risk it and remained frozen in their seats, wary eyes watching as the strangers approached.

Chiriko fell from the monstrous car, clutching his stomach with one hand and holding an all-too-familiar small, soggy, white bag in the other.

"Tasuki is _never driving again," groaned Tamahome._

"And what, you are?" Tasuki snapped.  "You drive like my grandmother!"

"The one with 25 speeding tickets?"

"Hn."

"Ooo, I love Starbucks!" cried Yui, her blue eyes dancing.

"Starbucks?  Um, um!" Miaka agreed.  The Suzaku seishi looked at each other and shrugged.

"Whatever you say, girls.  They just better have some fucking good service, unlike that other place you took us to," commented Tasuki.

"And fried?" came Tamahome's sarcastic remark.

Tasuki ignored him.  "What was that place called?  Mac Fondles?" he wondered.

"McDonalds," gasped Chiriko, still recovering.

"Same difference."

"Let's just go inside already, all right?  I'm starving, no da," Chichiri cried, exasperated.  He brushed past them and pushed open the door.

The tingle of a little bell announced their entrance, an eerie death sentence for the customers inside.

"Listen - they are stunned into silence, in awe of my beauty," sighed Hoto.

Someone coughed.

The seishi and two miko approached the cashier.  "Don't they talk here?" Tasuki confided to Chichiri.

"I don't think so, no da," Chichiri whispered back.

The cashier was eyeing them warily.  "No pets allowed," he said, his gaze on Tama.  The calico cat hissed and ran up from Mitsukake's arms to hide behind his shoulders.  Mitsukake frowned, and the cashier quickly (and conveniently) forgot the issue.

"Um, we'd like two cappuccinos, one caramel cider, two frappuccinos, a Tazo green tea, a latte, a mocha, and…" Miaka paused as Tasuki whispered something in her ear.  "And three espresso shots."  
"You got Tasuki _espresso shots?" cried Yui.  "Are you __insane?"__  One of the customers, hearing this foreboding exclamation, quickly got up and left.  The rest remained in a shocked silence, watching the nine oddities at the counter._

Tasuki grinned and ran a hand through his bright orange hair.  "I told her I'd pay for all of us," he chuckled.  Tamahome turned pale.

"Look, comfy chairs!" came Chiriko's cheery voice.  He was bouncing up and down on one of the red arm chairs in the corner, which had very recently been vacated.  The seishi, with the exception of Nuriko, and miko bustled over.  Meanwhile, Nuriko picked up the tray with all its drinks in one hand and a comfy chair in his other.  He began walking over to the group.

"Hey!  Don't rearrange the furniture!" the clerk cried, but quickly bit his tongue when Nuriko lifted the chair up onto his shoulder, still with one hand.  "N-never mind…" he stammered to Nuriko's arched eyebrow.

Tasuki jumped in front of the coffee-bearing seishi.  "Hey!  Hey!  Gimmie my espresso!" he cried.

"As if he needs it," muttered Yui.  Miaka nodded her agreement.

Nuriko set down the chair and gently pushed Tasuki away - well, he meant to, anyhow.  Tasuki went flying, falling backward over the coffee table.  "K'so…" he muttered.  Nuriko grinned.

"Attention!  I will now distribute the caffeinated drinks!" Nuriko announced.

"Coffee…" hissed Chiriko.

"Coffee!  Who got the…err…stuff with the fluff on top?"  He held up two cappuccinos.  Simultaneously, Chiriko and Mitsukake raised their hands.

"Cappuccino," Chiriko corrected as he got his drink.  Nuriko rolled his eyes.

"Now we have…oo, this is mine.  Yours too, Miaka-chan!"  Miaka grabbed her frappucino, grinning.

"A girl's drink," Tasuki muttered.  "You need a more manly drink, like espresso!" he cried, pounding his chest.  Everyone glared.

"Ahem…well, anyhow…" Nuriko quickly finished handing out the drinks.  Yui got caramel cider, Tamahome, a mocha, Hoto had ordered a latte, and Chichiri had, of course, asked for the Tazo green tea.  We all know what Tasuki bought.

"Espresso shots!" he cried, snatching the three tiny cups from Nuriko's hands.  There was a unified groan.  "Whaaat?"


	2. Chapter 2 (ooo, I'm creative!)

Five minutes later, and the café was empty except for the seishi and miko.  Miaka and Tamahome gazed at each other over their coffees…

"Miaka…"

"Tamahome…"

"Miaka…"

"Tamahome…"

"Miaka…"

"Tamahome…"

Yui pouted nearby, staring glumly at the two lovers.  Chichiri was on a small caffeine buzz, oblivious to all around him as he played chess against himself.  Especially Tasuki…

"Take it off!  Take it off!" cried the redheaded bandit, dancing around on a table.  He ripped off his shirt, swinging it around in the air above his head.  "Ow!" he shouted as he pulled a Michael Jackson move.

"Wai, Mitsukake, he's scaring me!" whimpered Chiriko, hiding behind the massive healer.

"Hn," came the stoic reply.  Tama (the cat) jumped up on a nearby table and began imitating Tasuki.  Chiriko began to cry.

"Hey, bartender!" Tasuki called to the poor man behind the counter.

"I'm a cashier…" the guy attempted.

"Whatever.  Get me another shot!  Make that five!"  Tasuki held up a hand, wiggling his fingers.

"Why did I ever agree to come here…" moaned Yui, buried in self-pity.

"Checkmate, no da!  Oh, no you don't, no no da!" interjected Chichiri's cheerful voice.

"_Doshite_?"* 

*["why" in the lovely Nihongo ^.~]


	3. Chapter 3 (marvel at my ingenuity!)

**Ch.**** 3**

        "He's…he's insane!  Absolutely nutso!  Are you _sure we're not allowed to throw a customer out?"  The cashier clutched the receiver close, tears of desperation in his eyes.  In the background, Tasuki began an Irish jig._

        "Well…" the voice on the other end hesitated.  "Is he scaring away the customers?"

        "Yes!  Yes!  Every one!"

        "Hmm…but is he buying a lot?" the man mused.

        The cashier slumped.  "Yes," he replied in monotone, gazing, weepy, at the corner of the shop where Tasuki and Nuriko were now singing gleefully.  "Twenty espresso shots so far."

        "Hey sexy!  Five more shots!" shouted a grinning Tasuki.  Nuriko leaned over his shoulder, a light flush spreading across his nose.

        "Make that ten," he called cheerily, waving a small cup in the air.  "Peace!"

        "_Please?" the cashier begged, hiding behind the espresso machine.  "__Puhleeaase?"_

        The voice he was talking to was silent in thought.  Then, quite abruptly, it spoke.  "Let them stay."

        "Noooooooo!"

        Tasuki grinned drunkenly as he took a cheap paper cup from an out held tray.  "That's a good little bunny," he said, patting the cashier on the cheek.  The poor man sighed, his fake bunny ears drooping.  Nuriko, lounging against Tasuki's shoulder, giggled.

        "Anything else?" the cashier mumbled.  Tasuki shook his head and waved him away.  He faked a yawn and let his arm droop around Nuriko's shoulders.

        "So…Nuki…" he began, but the strong seishi's thoughts were elsewhere.

        "Isn't he cute?" Nuriko sighed, watching the cotton-ball tail taped on the cashier/waiter's oshiri* wiggle as he walked away.

        Tasuki made a face.  "No, he's not," he commented loudly.  "You're much--"

        "Ooh, he's so kawaii!  I wanna take him home.  Can we take him home?" broke in Nuriko's soaring voice.

        _Yes, mouthed Hoto from a nearby couch.  __Yes!  Get him off my back!_

        "No," Tasuki said with a wicked grin.  "Now Nu-chan, how about you and m--"

        "Oh, look at the time!" Yui shouted suddenly, jumping to her feet.  She had had enough of this – Miaka and Tamahome ignoring her, Chichiri cursing at the chess board, Hoto talking to Mitsukake and Chiriko incessantly crying.  She had been left to sitting dejectedly with Tama, whom everyone was ignoring when they weren't hitting him for imitating Tasuki's cruder dance moves.  "Yes, yes – it's time to go home!" she muttered, eyes large with near-madness.

        "Nani!?" Tasuki yelped.  Nuriko's eyes widened.  Mitsukake's stoic expression took leave for one of immense gratitude, and Chiriko began to cry (again) with joy.  Miaka and Tamahome broke off in mid-memorization-of-partner's-name and looked at Yui in wonderment.

        "Yes, what did you say?" Miaka asked.

        "We're going home.  Now.  In the…thing," she ordered, dumping Tasuki and Nuriko off the couch and pushing them bodily out the door.  "And I'm driving," she added.

        "Ah—ah—chotto matte**—" the cahier attempted.  "The bill!"

        Yui shot him an icy glare.  "Isn't this payment enough?  I'm getting rid of him for you!" she cried, gesturing madly at an inebriated Tasuki lolling red-faced on the floor.

        "La li ho!" sang Tasuki.  Nuriko giggled and rubbed his nose into Tasuki's ear.

        The cashier turned scarlet, then just as quickly a disturbing shade of white.  Swallowing hard, he nodded, making a sick choking noise.  "Good," said Yui, grabbing a shovel and scooping Tasuki up in it.  Nuriko followed them out the door, singing random karaoke songs.

        "Me-ow!+" he shrilled.

        The rest of the seishi followed dejectedly, Miaka and Tamahome still clinging and, consequently, finding it hard to fit through the door.  Mitsukake and the sniffling Chiriko had to pry Chichiri away from the chessboard, which he was currently trying to snap in half.  Hotohori grabbed Tama, who had gotten into the remaining shots and was dancing around in caffeinated wonder, and hauled him out the door.  They left behind a tattered set of cushy seats, chess pieces scattered across the room, and a sniveling, whimpering cashier who was scratching crazily on a piece of paper with a broken pencil.

        "Name – John Sulley, Age – 19," he mumbled, his voice quivering.  "Date of resignation – January 3rd, 2002."  Outside, tires squealed as a giant Ford Excursion sped away.

*Oshiri – make an educated guess, for Chrissake!**  
****Chotto matte – one moment/minute, hold on

+Me-ow – ending word to closing theme of FY, you bakas!  ^_~


	4. Intermission

**INTERMISSION – TASUKI REACHES A RED LIGHT**

**_Inspired by my brother's driving skills (heh, heh)_**

For some unexplained reason, the music from the intermission in "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" was playing in the background as Tasuki forced his way through traffic one Sunday afternoon.  He beat crazily on the steering wheel, singing to a song only he could hear.  "Well fuck you!"  The mountain bandit screamed, reveling in the best part of the song.  The happy intermission music stumbled, faltered, and died off all together, giving way to Tasuki's choice of music – Americana by the Offspring.
    
    "Well my dream has come true—hey, cocksucker!" Tasuki slammed on the brakes hard.  "Why the fuck did you stop?  You don't _have to obey a red light, y'know!  Baka…"  The red-headed bishounen sighed and stared at the hip-shaking Hawaiian doll on his dashboard.  "Stuck behind him…argh…they told me America was the place of shitty drivers.  Feh!  I get here, and what d'I have t'deal with?  A bunch of limp __pussies who obey the fucking law!"  At this point, the author decided there was enough profanity and forced him (at knifepoint ^^;;) to fall asleep._
    
    - - -
    
    Tasuki was snoring softly, head lolling against the cushioned headrest.  He awoke to the angry sound of leaned-upon horns and a banging on his windshield.  Blinking drowsily, he rolled down the window and squinted up at a very fuzzy, angry man, who opened his mouth and screamed:
    
    "Hey, cocksucker!"


	5. Oh brother!

If life had been fair, it would have been more bearable. If life had been fair, it would have been more kind. If life had been fair, it wouldn't have put Tim up to dealing with these particularly…odd…customers. In short, life wasn't fair.  
  
Tim watched with long since adopted resignation as the seven men (or was it six men and one woman?) moved about in the apartment, settling in. He recalled how they'd fallen out of a giant Ford Excursion and surged into his office, barely squeezing into the small space. Tim had waited, wide- eyed with shock, for an uncomfortable two minutes before the flame-haired stranger at the front of the pack leaned forward and, with a fang-toothed grin, asked the question Tim had long been dreading since they rolled onto his front lawn.  
  
"Can we rent an apartment?"  
  
Now the disheartened landlord stood helplessly to the side while all seven crazies dumped their junk on the white carpet of his largest apartment. He knew the color wouldn't last even a week.  
  
"If you would make six copies of this key…" Tim jolted at the sound of a quiet voice in his ear. He turned to face one of the clients in all his long-haired beauty.* Must be an actor, Tim thought derisively.** Expects me to treat him like he's a king or something. Slapping on a fake smile, he replied, "Yes, it'll only take a moment." He took the key from the man's delicate fingers and escaped down the stairs.  
  
"Smooth move, no da," commented the client's blue-haired friend, Chichiri. Toying with his necklace, the priest continued, ignoring the look of confusion on the regal one's face. "He looked as though he were going to go berserk, na no da."  
  
"Oh. I was just getting us more keys," Hotohori replied with a shrug that made his hair glisten in the practically non-existent light.  
  
Nearby, Tamahome gazed at a photograph that he clutched tightly in his hands. "Miaka…" he murmured. "Miaka…Miaka…Miaka…"  
  
"Hey lover boy! We're sorry she's not here to repeat your name in return, but would you please put away the picture and give us a lil' help over here?" yelled Tasuki from the stairs. He and a gasping Chiriko were doubled over beneath a large, plush couch on the stairwell. It was a miracle they'd made it thus far. Before Tamahome could part with his beloved photo, Tasuki and Chiriko had the looks of toppled cows as they felt the weight being lifted from their backs. They turned to see Nuriko grinning and hefting the couch on one hand.  
  
"Run along, children," he said in a matronly tone. "I'll be right behind you."  
  
Tasuki and Chiriko sweatdropped. "Should we take the desk for you?" Tasuki attempted.  
  
Nuriko blinked and glanced over his shoulder at the desk balancing on his other hand. He giggled, blushing. "I forgot it was there!" he exclaimed. "You know how it is sometimes, when you're carrying a big piece of furniture up the stairs and you get distracted and forget…"  
  
"Hn," came a disgruntled grunt from behind. Tasuki, Nuriko, and Chiriko peered down the stairs to see Mitsukake straining under the weight of two cardboard boxes. Nuriko giggled inanely and blushed again. "Better get these things upstairs," he commented cheerily. Tasuki and Chiriko ran, and within no time at all the couch was set up in front of the TV and the desk in Hoto and Chiriko's room.+  
  
Finally, all the furniture was in place and the last boxes upstairs. The seven seishi crowded around the monstrous pile of taped cardboard and gazed at it lovingly, imagining the items inside. "All right, guys…" Tamahome whispered. "One…two…"  
  
"Three! Threethreethree!" yelled Tasuki, attacking the boxes. The rest followed suit. Packaging peanuts, shreds of newspaper, and bubble wrap flew into the air as they tore at the boxes with mad abandon. Tasuki caught a page of the Sunday paper and glanced at it. His eyes grew wide and starry. "Hey, the comics!" he cried, detaching a fang from the packing tape. He huddled to the side, voraciously reading the colored squares.  
  
Hotohori was next to desert the task. Pausing for a moment, he noticed the black ink smudges the newspaper left behind on his skin. "My hands!" he cried, and ran desperately to the bathroom.  
  
Nuriko sighed and sat back on his heels. A sharp series of pops emitted from his bum. He cried out in alarm.  
  
Chichiri peered over. "What is this wonder, no da?" he breathed, picking up the bubble wrap. "It's amazing!" With that he wandered off to his room, popping the bubbles in a most annoying fashion.  
  
"Miaka sure did a good job of packing our things," Chiriko commented wearily to Mitsukake. But the healer's attention was elsewhere.  
  
"Tama!" he bellowed, chasing after the cat. Tama bounded away, tightey whiteys gripped in his teeth. Tamahome, seeing this, turned nearly as white as they and joined in the chase.  
  
Just then, Nuriko found the liquor and wandered off to the kitchen to have a Nuriko Special, leaving Chiriko alone to finish unpacking. Chiriko sighed and began to wrestle open another box when there was a timid knock upon the door. "Visitors already?" he wondered to himself, and opened the door to reveal a very faint-hearted landlord.  
  
"Are…are they gone?" Tim squeaked.  
  
Chiriko nodded. "More or less."  
  
The man regained some composure. "Well…here…here are your keys, boy." They jingled in his trembling hand. Chiriko took them and bowed before shutting the door in Tim's face.  
  
"What an odd man…" he mused.  
  
  
  
*At this point, the author smacks herself and chides, "Landlord not yaoi! Bad llama!"  
  
**Yes, yes, we know. Tim is a bad man.  
  
+It's an apartment! They have to share! Rooms, that is, not beds. Though you never know…^^;; 


End file.
